Bum Shatner

"Oh glory be to this beautiful February day in San Francisco," I think to myself as I prepare to leave the office located slightly South of market on a 60 degree day. "What a day to be alive I think to myself," in the most cliche way possible as I approach the Montgomery BART station with a mass of hurried commuters. "They must have someplace to be," I think as I look at the person in front of me, but I'm not really looking at all. I'm staring blankly into space. My eyes just happen to be affixed on whatever is in front of me as I listen to the Strokes or the Honorary Title or the Indie Rock White Dude Band that happened to be playing in my iPod. All of a sudden, a smell rises from the world and knocks me out of my reverie and my eyes focus on a dude, a transient, who is in the midst of taking his pants off and is simultaneously taking a shit on the Fidelity Building.

At this point, I had to think to myself, "Holy shit, is this bum making a political statement right now?! Like, does he know how much the banks have fucked all of us? Maybe that's Bernie Madoff?" Of course, then I had to think to myself, "Maybe he's just a bum, and he needs a place to shit and this corner is as good as any other. I mean, he is a transient and he probably really has lost all connection to normal society" I'd love to believe the first theory, but if I were in Vegas and they gave me odds, I'd have to take the second theory. I'd lay the points though.

Tomorrow: Cracked out Mother of 8 and 10 year old smoking cloves--cloves?!-- in front of me.

Bum Blog: Where it all began

This bum blog is put forth for a simple purpose: Everyone has a bum story. A transient has asked for change in a strange way or he's smeared shit on the Fidelity building as you walked by. Until now, there has never been a place to come together over the virtual fire and discuss these sometimes disgusting, sometimes perturbing, but always hilarious and politically incorrect stories.

Everyone can contribute to this blog...just e-mail your editor. If you think this is arbitrary, it's because it is. Not all bum blog stories are created equal. I'm looking at you, the person who sends in "This bum had a sign that said, 'My wife was kidnapped and I'm 78 cents short on the ransom.'" I'm sorry, but that is barely a complete sentence and definitely not a story. You are the reason that television shows are, by and large, terrible. You are the reason that Charlie Sheen is the highest paid actor on television even though he's on "2 and a half men." Oh ha to the fucking ha, Charlie banged another chick. Where is the fucking joke? Is it on the chick because she's probably diseased now? Is it on the viewer? My head just exploded. You are the reason that I worry about Mad Men getting canceled. You are the reason why Jay Leno continues to be on the air.

Here at Bum Blog, we need the back story and we need prose. Was it raining, was it snowing, was a hurricane a-blowin'? I don't know unless you tell me. So get out there. Get yourself a story and get to writing; you're bumaudience awaits.